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Lady Macbeth

Macbeth: The Yearbook (Lady Macbeth)

Lady Macbeth

Voted: Most Likely To Run A Presidential Campaign

Hobbies: Cleanliness; nagging; calling on the gods to make her a man; knitting doilies

School Play Credits: Blanche Dubois in Street Car Named Desire; The Little Engine in The Little Engine That Could Kill You All

Typical Small Talk: “…The babe that milks me- I would, while it was smiling in my face, Have pluck’d my nipple from his boneless gums And dash’d the brains out had I so sworn as you Have done to this.”

MacDuff

Macbeth: The Yearbook (Det. MacDuff)

Detective MacDuff

Nickname: “Mr. Righteous;” “Dude Ex Machina”

Favorite dish: Revenge (served cold, but of course)

Yearbook quotes: “Hey, where’d my family go?”

Macbeth

Macbeth: The Yearbook (Macbeth)

Macbeth

Nickname: “Old Pushover”

Hobbies: Mongering (war, power, sandwiches, etc.),

Turn-ons: Pushy Women

Turn-offs: Pushy Women

Mental State: A bit iffy

Voted: Most Likely to Succeed (Note from the author: This joke works on so many levels it’s scary.)

Power!

4 Things I Learned When I Wrote Macbeth

For many people today, Macbeth is a bit academic. It’s either “that thing I had to read in high school” or “that really expensive show that that really famous actor is doing to show that he can really really act.”

But for me, Macbeth is the play that I co-wrote with Shakespeare. Okay, technically I just adapted it into a graphic novel for kids, but by sticking my head under the hood and seeing how the play’s engine worked, I learned some interesting things along the way.

1. Even Shakespeare needs help sometimes.

Shakespeare failed to use the word “taco” a single time in his plays. This is despite the fact that he is credited with inventing over 2,000 words and 1% of all the phrases in the English language. Fortunately for us mere mortals, that stat is bit overblown. Since his plays are some of the only records we have of the English language at the time, we don’t know what Old Willy personally coined and what was just common parlance.

Still, his failure to mention such an integral part of modern cuisine indicates that either Big Bill was racist or lactose intolerant and avoiding things with cheese. Surely this debate will rage on for generations. Either way, I fixed this oversight by putting tacos front and center in my version of Macbeth.

2. Why are there witches in Macbeth?
The plot of Macbeth gets rolling when three witches tell Macbeth that he can usurp the throne by killing the king. Lady Macbeth loves this idea and starts drumming it into her husband’s head. But wouldn’t it have been simpler, dramatically-speaking, for Lady Macbeth to come up with the whole “kill the king” idea herself? Why involve witches in the first place?

Critics and scholars will talk about the witches’ symbolism. They’ll mention Freud and possibly use the word penis. But I’ve got a simpler explanation–witches are awesome!

Shakespeare wrote his plays for drunken, uneducated audiences who would hurl fruit at the actors if they got bored. I write books for children. Same thing.

I live in fear that every time I read to a group of kids it’ll turn into the roadhouse scene in The Blues Brothers, with goldfish crackers being hurled instead of beer bottles. But when I read Macbeth to kids, before they can even start reaching for their snack cups, I reach the scene in the swamp with the witches. After that, I don’t have to pick a single cracker, spitball, or gummy worm out of my hair. Thanks, Shakespeare!

3. Macbeth is a fairy tale.
I have an actor friend who did a tour performing Macbeth and Romeo and Juliet at schools. That meant hours of driving between shows, low pay, multiple performances a day. My point is that acting is a very weird profession to choose. My other point is that these actors really got inside the skin of these plays.

She told me that by the end of the tour, the actors preferred Romeo and Juliet. Why? Because it was more complicated. It had more story, more plotting, more dynamics, more characters and arcs. Macbeth, she said, is a straight line. Just Macbeth and his Lady in a moral free-fall.

Macbeth is actually one of Shakespeare’s shortest (6th shortest out of 39) and simplest plays. This brevity gives it the power of a fable or one of Grimm’s fairy tales. Perhaps that’s why it’s become such an iconic part of our culture.

4. Macbeth is a Stephen King story.

Shakespeare didn’t write his plays for scholars and elites. He wrote to entertain. So what kind of entertainment is Macbeth? A horror story.

Shakespeare was born in 1564, during the stable 45-year-long reign of Queen Elizabeth. But before she was crowned, there were 10 violent years as four different monarchs vied for the throne.

Shakespeare was writing for an audience with this bloodshed burned in their collective memory. The modern equivalent would be if Shakespeare was a Bosnian writing about Milosevic.

Macbeth isn’t actually Shakespeare’s bloodiest work. It ranks fourth with a body count of eight. (In case you’re wondering, Titus Andronicus wins that award with 14 deaths, including two children baked into a pie and eaten. Gotta love the classics…). But for Shakespeare’s audience, a play about a soldier grabbing the throne by force would have been a nerve-rattling, breath-taking experience.

Shakespeare (and I!) never meant for Macbeth to be something to fall asleep over while trying to read it the night before class. And we certainly didn’t want it to be a high-class diversion for Toblerone-munching theater-geeks. So when you read our new version, read it the way you did when you were young– with a flashlight under the blankets at ¬night when everyone is asleep and you want to give yourself a scare.

Getting kids to understand Macbeth

Macbeth -vs- The Marshmallow

When I tell people that I’ve written a graphic novel of Shakespeare’s Macbeth for kids, most people say, “Macbeth?! You mean the horribly bloody play by Shakespeare? How on earth can you do that for kids?”

Quite frankly, a lot of Shakespeare’s work is a bit tricky to translate for the younger set.

Hamlet: “Hey kids, who wants to see a protagonist struggle with his INNER DOUBT?! Huh? Anyone? Hello?”
Romeo and Juliet: My 7-year-old son currently thinks girls are gross. He will not be dissuaded from this opinion.
King Lear: “Umm…okay, it’s about an old man struggling with dementia and his sense of mortality and…oh, forget it.”

But Macbeth is one of Shakespeare’s most powerful characters because of his simplicity.

“Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.”
–Kurt Vonnegut, Bagombo Snuff Box

Macbeth is all about “want.” Macbeth wants power. He wants to be king. And “want” is something that kids understand far more than adults. Kids are utterly in tune with their wants.

The second that babies are born, they’re crying because they “want”– food, a blanket, to poop. Then as they grow older they want candy. They want TV. They want a bike. Did I mention TV? They really want to watch TV. Preferably while eating a garbage bag full candy.

The entire process of childhood is about teaching kids to push their wants below the surface. We call this process “maturity.” Macbeth is about watching that façade of maturity shatter as that “want” comes raging back to the surface (with disastrous consequences).

The first two acts of Macbeth are essentially the famous Stanford Marshmallow Test. A scientist offers a child a marshmallow and a deal. He’ll leave the kid alone in the room with the marshmallow for ten minutes. If the kid can resist eating it, the scientist will come back into the room with TWO marshmallows for the kid to eat. (Watching them wrestle with this is hysterical. See below.)

Similarly, the witches offer Macbeth his own personal marshmallow test. He can be king; he just has to get rid of the real king first. Can Macbeth resist? Maybe. But it doesn’t help that his wife is whispering in his ear that she wants some of that sweet sweet marshmallow too.

So Macbeth kills the king. He grabs the power. He gives in to his inner child and become a monstrous sociopath, unfit to mingle with the rest of society. He becomes Justin Bieber.

And the rest of the play? Well…the rest is Macbeth with a guilty look on his face desperately searching for someone else to blame. It’s too bad Macbeth didn’t have a younger brother or sister. Then, he could simply point at them, and with a mouth full of marshmallow mumble, “Uhhh…he did it!”

That’s certainly something that every parent could understand.

 

Vet

How Much Is Your Love Worth? Ask Your Vet…

How much is your love is worth?

Your first answer is, of course, “My love has no dollar value. My love is priceless. Love is one of the great inventions of this wondrous thing we call the universe.”

But the real answer is, “Ask you vet.” Because your vet knows how much your love is worth down to the penny.

For instance, I have a friend who paid $6,000 to give his dog a taint-hole. Yes, a taint-hole.

His dog had eaten so much dairy over its long and happy life that calcium deposits had built up in its bladder until they sealed off its urinary track. The dog couldn’t pee. The vet said to my friend, “I can reroute your dog’s urinary tract but it will cost six thousand dollars. Or your dog will die in a few days. What would you like to do?”

My friend’s love was worth $6,000 that day. Mind you, the vet did a bang-up job. That was one damn fine taint-hole on that dog and it kept him alive for many more years that were filled with love.

I have another friend whose dog got bit by a rattlesnake. When she rushed her dog to the vet, the clock was literally ticking. The vet said, “The antidote is $1,500. Or your dog will die in 20 minutes. What would you like to do? “

Her love was worth $1,500 that day.

Did you know it costs $500 to remove a T-bone steak bone from your dog’s ass? I do. That’s what my parents paid to save my dog’s life when I was 10. I’m glad they did. We got a lot more nice years with him and we never regretted the money spent for a moment even though it wasn’t something we could easily afford.

But as our dog got older, he developed arthritis and cataracts and that’s when his kidneys started acting funny. The doctors said they could do some blood work, and they had some pills that would probably help but they’d have to keep him in a kennel for a week while they ran the tests. How much would all that cost? Their opening bid was $2,000 but, you know, that was just for starters.

Our love was not worth $2,000 dollars that day.

Can that be right? I love dogs. I grew up with them, I consider them a part of my family. So does Love have a movable price tag? It turns out the answer is yes.

In the movie Indecent Proposal, Robert Redford offered Demi Moore one million dollars for one night of love. But I bet that price would have dropped a bit if she had heartworm and a touch of mange.

I had to take my new dog in recently to get a bone spur removed from her elbow (How much did it cost? I don’t want to talk about it.) Anyway, my vet said something like this:

“We vets are very, very good these days. We can do stem cell work, brain surgery, pretty much any treatment that’s been created for humans we can do to your pet now too.” Then he paused and added, “Now whether we should or not is a different question.”

And that’s the sticking point isn’t it? How do you just let go of the one that you love when you know there is something more that can be done if you just hand over a little more money…and then a little bit more…

And when does it stop being about your pet’s health and start being about your inability to let go?

Because love may be one of the great inventions of the universe, but like all the universe’s creations, it’s only a fleeting thing. All stars die. All cats go to that Great Scratching Post in the sky.

And someday, when you’re old and your memories have faded and you’re unable to even get up from your hospital bed, your kids will look you in the eye too and say, “You can have another few months but how much is it worth?”

Then your answer should be, “I don’t know. Go ask my vet.”

Clash of Titans

3 Things Clash Of Clans Has Taught Me About Being A Dad (Answer: I suck at it.)

Disclaimer: This may or may not make any sense to you unless you’ve played Clash of Clans. Which you shouldn’t, because it’s a major time-burn. But if I’m too late and you’ve already been pulled in, then here are a few things I’ve learned from playing this game with my son.

A Failure To Fail
First of all, my son sucks at the game. Seriously. He doesn’t defend his treasure. He puts cannons in front of walls. I mean, who does that? Am I right, people? Anyone? Ummm…okay, I think every non-geek has stopped reading this article now, so I’ll make a confession:

At night, when my son goes to sleep, I log onto his game and fix his mistakes. Let me state right now that I’m not proud of this. But I feel compelled to do it. Otherwise, he’ll keep getting destroyed and he’ll never progress to the cool levels in the game. And that’s why he’s playing the game, right? Right?

Eventually though, he realized what I was doing and told me to stop. I explained to him why I was doing it, then he patiently explained to me that he didn’t give a flying fudge what my reasons were, this was his> castle. He wanted to build and play it his way.

That’s when I realized, I have to let him fail. We, as parents, are desperate to not let our kids fail, to soften the blow whenever we can. But sometimes that’s not what kids want or need. Kids don’t have a lot of control in their lives. So my son doesn’t care about the failure; all he knows is that it’s his failure. It’s one of the few times in his life when he’s in charge.

The Boring Stuff (or George W. Bush Disease)
Everything in the game, as in Life, requires money (and elixir too, but I’m trying to de-geek this a bit). To earn money in the game, you have to do lots of boring stuff. This is good for the company that made Clash of Clans because in exchange for just a bit of your real-world money (and then a bit more…and a bit more, please…) they let you skip to the fun parts like attacking things with dragons.

Developmentally, my son is at an age where he has neither the patience nor the strategic ability to figure out that he needs to make money in the game before he can do anything else. So I do it for him.

I do it so he can play without being frustrated. I do it so we can have fun when we play together. I do it because I have no life.

I have noticed an unfortunate by-product to this: My son is becoming a douche. Well, maybe that’s a bit extreme. But he’s definitely on the way to becoming the video-game equivalent of a trust fund kid.

Life is made of mostly boring stuff (standing in lines, paying bills, working a crappy job). You have to do the boring stuff in order to do the fun stuff. This is a basic lesson everyone must learn in life. But because of me, my son is not learning that lesson.

He thinks life is one continuous party where, on the slightest whim, he can attack foreigner’s castles with shiny new cannons without even a moment’s consideration for the cost or human sacrifice that goes into that. This is known as George W. Bush Disease.

Turn It Off
I give my son a countdown for how long he has left on the iPad: “3 minutes…2…1…iPad down please.”

After many months of weeping, pleading, wheedling and screaming, my son has learned to simply put the iPad down and walk away. I’m proud of him for learning how to let go…that way I can pick it up and play.

In other words, my son now has a better handle on the impulse-control needed to deal with mobile technology than I do. Because seriously, I just need to turn it off. Walk away. Play with my son in the real world. I hear the real world is nice. Apparently, it has trees. He’s climbing up one right now. I should really go make sure he’s okay. And I will, right after I upgrade my archer tower…

Advice To My Children In The Event Of My Death

Floss, when no one is looking. Seriously. Sometimes those chunks go flying.

Dance, when no one is looking. Then, if no one was looking, videotape it, upload it onto youtube, use the ensuing traffic to establish a platform from which you can leverage yourself into a six-figure deal for a reality show based on your dancing at which no one was looking.

Live in Northern California, at least for a while, because we that’s where our house is, so economically that makes sense. But then move out before you become a slacker or hear your mom and dad having sex. Because that would be gross.

Live in New York in the late 1990s, because at least rent was sort of affordable then and that new-fangled “Internet” was giving jobs to every shnook who knew how to turn on a computer. Don’t bother trying to live in NYC now. It’s crazy expensive and all the interesting stores have been replaced by bank branches.

Wear sunscreen. Then take it off because apparently sunscreen causes cancer. Then put it back on because apparently sun-cancer is worse than sunscreen-cancer. Then take it off again, because a new study came out. On, off, on, off. Finally, give up and go inside and watch TV. There are some really good shows on nowadays.

Enjoy your body. But not on the subway or in other public places. You can get arrested for that.

When you are sitting under a tree with your loved ones, drinking lemonade on a sunny day, remember to say, “This is nice, isn’t it?” Because the Earth is getting hotter, so in a few years, that tree will wither and die, one lemon will cost $5, and the permanent heatwaves will make it too hot to sit outside in any comfort. Then remember to say to your grandkids, “It was nice back then. Sorry.”

First internet picture

Firsts

What to write for my first post? Well, I’m not quite sure what to say for myself except “Welcome!” I probably won’t be a frequent blogger but I will post from time to time when I run across something of interest.

For instance, my first post got me thinking about other “firsts,” and I thought you might find them interesting.

First Picture Ever Posted To The Internet

The Internet has long been a repository of pictures of women, and apparently that was true from the very beginning. The image above was posted by Sir Tim Berners-Lee, when he was tinkering with the creation of the Internet. These bedazzled ladies were Les Horribles Cernettes, a tongue-in-cheek musical group formed by some female employees at the CERN Lab in Geneva. The group shares the same initials (LHS) as Cern’s crown jewel, the Large Hadron Collider.

First Words Spoken Into A Mobile Phone

The very first mobile phone call was made in 1973 on the streets of Manhattan by its inventor, Martin Cooper. He called Joel Engel, the head of the cellular program at AT&T (his rival), and engaged in a bit of trash-talking:

“Joel, I’m calling you from a cellular phone, a real cellular phone, a handheld, portable, real cellular phone!”

Joel Engel response was to hang-up.

The First YouTube Video

Uploaded at 8:27 pm on Saturday, April 23, 2005. It involves animals and awkward teens posting thing on the Internet on a weekend night when they have nothing better to do. In other words…the future of technology.